Pastor Mark's Wedding Officiant Blog

Seven reasons why friends or family members shouldn’t officiate your wedding ceremony

Mon, 27 Nov 2023 21:15:00 GMT

Why paying a professional can be worth it

1.Friends and relatives may not be the right person for the job

I will say that there most definitely are people out there, (nonprofessional wedding officiants and celebrants) who can do a good, if not excellent job of officiating a wedding ceremony for a friend or family member. But this person is quite rare. The average wedding officiant and celebrant makes what they do look so effortless and easy, that most people are fooled into thinking that anyone can officiate a wedding ceremony, with zero experience or training.

Wedding officiants draw on a combination of skills, training and experiences to create the ceremony magic that they do, and choosing a friend who is confident, and a good public speaker only represents a small fraction of all that is needed to create an amazing ceremony. And let me ask you, how can you choose the right person to officiate your ceremony, if you yourself don’t know what it is that officiants do to create, officiate and lead wedding ceremonies? Sometimes, friends and family members who you think might make a great person to officiate your ceremony, simply aren’t.

2. Officiating a ceremony is not an easy job

Couples do not get to see the planning and the processes that go into creating a personalized wedding ceremony, so they don’t appreciate everything that happens to create that wedding ceremony magic. There is an art to creating a ceremony, which involves more than looking for inspiration on the internet. Also, there are tons of things that can go “wrong” during a typical wedding ceremony. Professional officiants, who do this work regularly, know how to handle awkward moments to smooth them over where, in most cases, people are not even aware that the potential disruption happened.

3. Wedding guests might not take it seriously

In choosing a friend or family member to lead your ceremony, you may inadvertently be sending out the wrong signal to your guests that the ceremony side of things is something that you’re not taking wholly seriously, because you’re putting a friend in charge of the proceedings, rather than a professional. Just maybe.

4. It’s a lot of pressure for non-professionals

In case you haven’t realized it is a big ask, to ask a friend or relative to officiate your wedding ceremony for you. I mean, I see friends freaking out when they have to do a reading for a ceremony, let alone leading an ENTIRE ceremony. At first, after the honor of being asked wears off, then comes the moment of truth, when the person you have asked finally gets to see all that they’ve committed to and this will be the moment where they have their eyes properly opened. And in my experience, it’s always later, rather than sooner, when relatives and friends start to feel the pressure and buckle under the weight of it.

5. Friends may suffer an attack of nerves on the day

The coming together of your ceremony may go well in the planning stages but what about the ceremony delivery itself? Will your friend manage to overcome those nerves to deliver the ceremony in the way it deserves to be delivered? Have you seen a nervous reader at a wedding before? I have, plenty of times. Well, imagine a nervous friend leading an entire ceremony. Yup, not great. Professionals don’t get nervous, that is why they’re professionals.

6. To save money

If one of your main reasons for why you want to have a relative or friend to officiate your wedding ceremony is to save money, or spend no money, then think again. The adage, “You get what you pay for” Can be appropriate here. Couples spend so much time and money on choosing flowers and reception details that they underestimate the importance of the ceremony. A seasoned professional can set the tone for the entire wedding experience, start to finish. Your officiant is your least expensive vendor when you compare services to a florist, photographer or coordinator. To skimp in this area may set unintentionally a negative tone for the entire day.

7. Licensure - Many couples overlook the fact that in order to have a legally recognized marriage, it has to be sanctioned by the state you are being married in. License wedding officiants know how to navigate the marriage licensing process, which is really confusing in Hawaii, so you can emerge from the process legally married world wide.

Religious or Non Religious Wedding Ceremony?

Mon, 13 Nov 2023 20:45:00 GMT

What if the bride and groom have two different faiths?

Deciding whether to have a religious or non-religious wedding is a personal choice that depends on your beliefs, values, and preferences as a couple. If religious, what religion? You could have to compromise if you are of different religions or beliefs! It may be an option to agree to an interfaith marriage, whereby a professional officiant creates a customized ceremony to honor each of your faiths.

Here are some factors to consider when making this decision:

1. Personal Beliefs: If you and your partner have strong religious beliefs and wish to incorporate them into your wedding ceremony, a religious wedding may be more appropriate. It can provide a meaningful and spiritual experience that aligns with your values.

2. Family and Cultural Expectations: Consider the expectations of your families and cultural background. Religious ceremonies may be important to them, so discussing your options and finding a middle ground that respects everyone's wishes can be beneficial.

3. Inclusivity: If you have guests from diverse religious backgrounds or if you identify as non-religious, a non-religious wedding ceremony can be more inclusive and welcoming for everyone. It allows you to focus on your love and commitment without specific religious traditions.

4. Flexibility: A non-religious wedding ceremony provides you with more flexibility to personalize the event according to your preferences. You have the freedom to incorporate readings, poems, music, or other elements that hold personal significance to you as a couple.

5. Officiant Availability: Consider the availability of an officiant who can perform the type of ceremony you desire. Some officiants may specialize in religious ceremonies, while others may be experienced in conducting non-religious or secular ceremonies.

6. Legal Requirements: Ensure that you are aware of any legal requirements or obligations surrounding your wedding ceremony, such as obtaining a marriage license or following specific guidelines set by your jurisdiction.

Ultimately, the decision whether to have a religious or non-religious wedding should be based on what feels authentic and meaningful to you as a couple. It may be helpful to have open and honest conversations about your beliefs and expectations to ensure that both partners are comfortable with the decision.

When I work with a couple I always ask the question: “Do you want a religious or nonreligious wedding ceremony?" For me, religious is defined by using scripture, mention of God and a dedication prayer. A nonreligious wedding is defined by me as no mention of God and a generic, heartfelt, secular dedication recited before the kiss.

Should I hire a professional wedding coordinator?

Mon, 30 Oct 2023 21:29:25 GMT

Or, do it myself with my friends and family

It ultimately depends on your personal preferences and how much time and effort you are willing to invest in the wedding planning process.

Hiring a wedding coordinator can relieve a lot of stress and anxiety that comes with planning a wedding. They can help you with tasks such as venue selection, vendor coordination, and making sure that everything runs smoothly on the big day. This can allow you to focus on other aspects of the wedding such as spending time with guests or preparing yourself for the ceremony.

Planning a wedding yourself, on the other hand, can be more cost-effective and provides the flexibility of having complete control over every aspect of the event. However, planning a wedding can be overwhelming and time-consuming, especially if you have a lot of details to manage.

Consider your budget, timeline, and how much support you need during the wedding planning process when deciding whether to hire a wedding coordinator or plan it yourself.

From a professional standpoint, the main thing difference I see when using a professional coordinator is that that pro has tons of experience that they bring to the table of what works and what hasn't worked in the past. Their wisdom and experience can flatten a learning curve for you. You have one shot on having the wedding of your dreams, you may not want to take chances of going alone as a novice to save a buck.

Elopement or Big Wedding?

Thu, 19 Oct 2023 19:49:35 GMT

Elopement or big wedding?

The choice between elopement or a big wedding ultimately depends on your personal preferences and circumstances. Here are some factors to consider:

Intimacy: Elopements are usually more intimate and focus solely on the couple, allowing for a private and romantic experience. Big weddings, on the other hand, involve more guests and can be more social and interactive.

Cost: Elopements tend to be more budget-friendly as they often involve fewer expenses like venue rentals, catering, and decorations. Big weddings, on the other hand, can be more expensive due to the larger guest list and additional services.

Planning and stress: Elopements typically require less planning and coordination, making them less stressful. Big weddings often involve more details and logistics, which may require more time and effort to organize.

Importance of traditions: Big weddings often involve various cultural and religious traditions, along with customary rituals like exchanging vows in front of family and friends. If these traditions are significant to you, a big wedding may be the better choice.

Guest preferences: Consider the desires and expectations of your close family and friends. Some people might feel disappointed or left out if they are not invited to a big wedding, while others may appreciate the more intimate nature of an elopement.

Ultimately, it's important to choose the option that makes you and your partner happiest. Consider discussing your preferences, budget, and expectations with each other to make an informed decision. With my personal experience, I have seen couples relish the moment and each other when the wedding is just them on the beach, toes in the sand. The small, intimate affair seems to take on more a more personal approach. Often, couples will elope here in Hawaii and then have a family/friend ceremony where they live afterwards.

Should I hyphenate my name after marriage?

Mon, 02 Oct 2023 10:00:00 GMT

The pros and cons of name hyphenation

Hyphenating your last name involves combining your prewedding surname with your spouse's surname, separated by a hyphen. Deciding whether to hyphenate your last name after marriage is a personal choice that depends on various factors. Here are some factors to consider when making this decision:

PROS

Identity and Tradition: Hyphenating your last name allows you to maintain a connection to your prewedding identity while also embracing your spouse's surname. It can be a way to honor both your family backgrounds and create a sense of unity as a married couple.

CONS

Practicality and Convenience: Having a hyphenated last name may require more effort when filling out forms, signing documents, or introducing yourself. It's important to consider how a hyphenated last name may affect your day-to-day life and whether it aligns with your preferences and practical considerations.

Social and Professional Implications: Hyphenating your last name can have implications in social and professional contexts. Some people find it creates a sense of equality and partnership, while others may face challenges such as confusion or mispronunciation.

Legal Considerations: Hyphenating your last name often requires a legal name change process, which may involve updating identification documents and notifying various institutions. It is important to understand the legal requirements and procedures in your jurisdiction before making a decision.

Future Children – One factor that is often overlooked is how hyphenating your last name will effect your future children. Assuming they will also carry the hyphenated name, you are binding them to the extra work of having two last names through the school years and beyond. Assuming they get married, will they hyphenate the already hyphenated last name to accommodate their new spouse? As you can see, it can get complicated.

Ultimately, the decision to hyphenate your last name after marriage is a personal one. It can be helpful to have open and honest discussions with your spouse, consider the impact on your personal and professional life, and choose an option that feels right for both of you.

Does your officiant need to be at the rehearsal

Mon, 18 Sep 2023 10:00:01 GMT

Getting to know your officiant before the ceremony

For many couples, their wedding is an intimate affair and they desire to be acquainted with their wedding officiant before the actual ceremony. That is why many people who get married reach out to a loved one, their minister/priest or Rabbi to preside over the nuptials. If you think about it, this makes sense since your officiant will be in your wedding day pictures forever. For couples traveling to Hawaii who want to be married in paradise, this usually means you have never met your officiant before.

Usually rehearsals are for the bridal party and the processional so they know what to do and how to walk. Officiants typically do not rehearse the actual ceremony, (reciting vows etc.) because that would take away from the specialness and spontaneity of your wedding day. Also, rehearsals are not needed since most all the components of the ceremony are in “repeat after me” format and your officiant will guide you through what to say, line by line, proficiently.

If you have a wedding coordinator, they will lead you through what is necessary to make a ceremony happen (bridal processional, where people stand, what to do with young children is they are flower girls or ring bearers, etc.) If you do not have a coordinator, and I am involved in the rehearsal, then I will take on this job and help you to know what you need to do.

Otherwise, when it comes to rehearsals, my part as officiant is not rehearsed at all. So, I end up just standing there as people do what they are supposed to do all around me. You can just as well put an empty chair in the place where I stand and accomplish the same thing.

Now, having said that, I thoroughly enjoy meeting couples and getting to know them before the ceremony. I want to make myself available for pre-wedding consultations over the phone, using video chat formats or even an in person consultation in my office. This way, I can connect with each couple I work with, get to know them personally and make sure everyone is on the same page.

Rehearsals are not as conducive to that kind of intimate connection since there are family and friends vying your your attention. If you want to get to know your officiant, set up a personal appointment with them beforehand and maximize your opportunity to get to know one another in a more intimate setting.

Looking forward to getting to know YOU better,

With Aloha,

Pastor Mark

15 Symbolic Ceremonies you can add to your wedding

Mon, 04 Sep 2023 10:15:00 GMT

Wedding Ceremony Symbols

15 Symbolic Ceremonies you can add to your wedding

Over the years, I have been able to learn about many different emblematic gestures that different cultures use to symbolize a couple coming together in matrimony as two individuals uniting as one.

There are many symbolic ceremonies that can be added to a wedding to add personal touches and meaning to the ceremony. Here are a few that I have personally done as an officiant:

1. Unity Candle Ceremony - This is a ceremony in which the bride and groom each light a separate candle and then use the flames to light a third candle together, symbolizing the joining of their lives.

2. Sand Ceremony - The couple pours different colored sands into a container, symbolizing the blending of their individual lives into one shared journey.

3. Handfasting Ceremony - A Celtic ritual where the couple's hands are tied together with ribbon or cord to symbolize their commitment to each other.

4. Blessing of the Rings - The wedding rings are blessed by a family member or friend before the couple exchanges them.

5. Jumping the Broom - An African-American tradition where the couple jumps over a broom together, symbolizing sweeping away past troubles and starting a new life together.

6. Wine Ceremony - The bride and groom each pour different wines into a single glass, which they both then drink from, symbolizing their union and the blending of their lives.

7. Tree Planting Ceremony - The couple plants a tree together, symbolizing their union and the growth of their love.

8. Letter and wine box ceremony – The couple write a letter to each other only to be opened at their first-year anniversary. The idea is to then read the letters as they enjoy a glass of wine reminiscing.

9. Butterfly or dove release – In order for this to be done, someone in your community has to offer the service. But the release of the doves or butterflies at the conclusion of the ceremony can symbolize releasing my old, independent lifestyle to a newfound freedom of love expression.

10. Cord of three strands ceremony – Three distinct decorative cords, usually of different color are hung from the alter. The couple braids the cords together during the ceremony. The three cords represent the couple involving and interwinding God into the fabric of their relationship as they journey forward.

11. Arras Coin Ceremony – 13 gold colored coins, representing all of what the groom owns is handed to the bride symbolizing what is mine, is now yours. The bride then hands the coins back to the groom to symbolize what is ours is now shared mutually.

12. Lei Exchange –This is a Hawaiian tradition The lei is an unbroken circle, symbolizing life-long commitment and devotion. Hawaiian Chiefs would often exchange lei symbolizing a lifetime of peace between the two groups. Today these lei symbolize a lifelong commitment of peace and happiness that you are pledging to each other.

13. Indian Minnu Ceremony - “The tying of the knot, the thali, is an Indian custom incorporated in the churches of South India. The Minnu is a small gold pendant stylized as a heart with a cross on it. This gold pendant is placed on a thread made by interweaving seven threads taken out of the Munthrakodee (Translation: Blessed cloth), which is the Indian bridal outfit worn at the reception. The thread with the minnu on it is tied around the bride’s neck by the groom. This is a symbolic act, accepting her as his own, signifying the lifelong inseparable bond established in marriage.

14. The blending of the water ceremony - Wai Wai – means wealth in Hawaiian. Water was regarded as wealth. The blending of the water is when two different families take the water from the side of the island where they live and they combine it together. The way it actually works is just like a Unity Sand ceremony. Hoo Kupu means an offering. After the ceremony, some couples take the water and then give the offering to the ocean, a tree or garden symbolizing bringing what they have back to the “Aina” (the land). It symbolizes the unifying of two families and their “wealth” coming together as one.

15. The Lasso Ceremony - This tradition is usually associated with Hispanic and Filipino families.

Lasso (sometimes called, "lazo") or rope is placed around the bride and groom's shoulders (groom's shoulder's first) in the form of an "8" (the infinity symbol) - after they have exchanged their vows - to symbolize their everlasting union. This is usually done by the officiant, however, family members can also take part in this ritual. The couple wears the lasso throughout the remainder of the service.

These ceremonies can be incorporated into the wedding ceremony or performed separately at the reception or rehearsal dinner. It's important to choose symbolic traditions that represent the couple and their love for each other. If you would like to incorporate any of these to your own wedding, just let your officiant or coordinator know so they can help you with the preparation.

Should I write my own vows for my wedding?

Tue, 29 Aug 2023 02:33:38 GMT

Should I write my own vows for my wedding?

That ultimately depends on your personal preference. Writing your own vows can add a personal and heartfelt touch to your wedding ceremony, but it can also be quite nerve-wracking for some people. If you feel comfortable sharing your own vows and expressing your feelings in front of your loved ones, then it may be worth considering. However, if you prefer a more traditional approach, then reciting pre-written vows may be more suitable for you. It's essential to choose a decision that feels authentic and true to you and your partner.

Many clients I have worked with choose to write vows to one another and read them from a wedding vow book, like you can find on Amazon, from a piece of stationery provided by the hotel they are staying at, or right off of their phone. There is no right or wrong way. If you are comfortable, for some, they like the spontaneity of speaking from the heart without much structure to create a more authentic feel.

How to Write Your Own Vows

When writing your own vows, start by remembering why you fell in love with your partner, what he/she means to you and how you promise to sustain your love for the years to come. Keep in mind, ultimately when writing your own vows, you are making promises to your future spouse as to how you are going to keep your love alive and how you will dedicate yourself to treating them as life moves forward. As a marriage counselor (My primary occupation) I have heard from many couples who struggle for various reasons that they hang in there, "because I made a vow." So, the wedding vows need to be taken seriously as a promise for life.

Having said that, adding a little humor is acceptable, (i.e. “I promise I will always pick up my socks.” ) but make sure you focus on the seriousness of the moment. In regard to timeframes, read it out loud beforehand when you practice and shoot for no longer than 2 to 3 minutes for the total time to express what you have created.

My favorite way of doing the vows is when a couple expresses their own personal vows as described above, but then concludes with the traditional, repeat after me vows. By incorporating both, it has the feel of intimate connection along with the beauty of tradition.

Try out Writing Your Own Vows

Below is a sample of traditional, repeat after me vows:

I __________, take you _________ to be my wife

To have and to hold, from this day forward,

For better, for worse, for richer for poorer,

In sickness and in health.

To love and to cherish as long as we both shall live.

_________, do you promise to uphold these vows? If so, express your intention to _________ by saying, “I do.”

For other ideas, consult the site: myweddingvows.com for more information related to writing your own vows, non-traditional vows, and other ideas.

Pastor Mark's Wedding Officiant Blog

Seven reasons why friends or family members shouldn’t officiate your wedding ceremony

Why paying a professional can be worth it

Religious or Non Religious Wedding Ceremony?

What if the bride and groom have two different faiths?

Should I hire a professional wedding coordinator?

Or, do it myself with my friends and family

Elopement or Big Wedding?

Should I hyphenate my name after marriage?

Does your officiant need to be at the rehearsal

Getting to know your officiant before the ceremony

Top Ten Questions to ask your officiant

Questions to ask your officiant that will tell you about them

15 Symbolic Ceremonies you can add to your wedding

Wedding Ceremony Symbols

Should I write my own vows for my wedding?

Should I write my own vows for my wedding?

How to Write Your Own Vows

Try out Writing Your Own Vows